Partner Rape is Real Rape

For HER sake, for heaven's sake, NAME THE DAMN PROBLEM.

2011-06-20T11:10:00.021+10:00

Dear readers, this will be a cross, shouty little post. I'm feeling a little jaded by politeness.

I have just had my 645378000th email from a woman who has been living with partner rape and who is experiencing depression, anxiety and panic attacks. It is insane how often I hear about these symptoms - or perhaps it isn't, as we shall see. I'll call my correspondent Sarah. Sarah has been married for some decades; her husband constantly watches porn and demands anal sex from her, which she finds repellent - in fact Sarah feels that way about sex in general. Her husband does not mind that Sarah doesn't share his tastes, he is prepared to force them on her. Sarah doesn't know if it's rape, but Sarah feels violated. Sarah would like to leave, but is concerned about her vows, which she -at least - takes seriously. Common, common story, though many women feel like it is only them going through it.

As I pondered a respectful and affirming response to Sarah's email, a fiery rage leapt up in me. Of COURSE Sarah is experiencing depression, anxiety and panic attack. She is being repeatedly traumatized in her home, by a crime - RAPE - which produces these symptoms in many women. Of COURSE Sarah feels violated; she HAS been. It is not SEX that Sarah doesn't like; it's the "sex" that is being forced on her - let's put a fine point on it - Sarah finds sex with the man who rapes her disgusting. But she doesn't know if it's rape, and feels that she owes more to her vows than she does her own repeatedly denied humanity and safety.

I am not tired of my correspondents. No, indeed, I consider it a privilege for a woman to confide in me. What I AM bloody sick unto death of, are conditions under which women are confused about these deeds, their sense of violation, their feelings of revulsion, and the terrifying symptoms they're experiencing. About rape in general, feelings/symptoms like these are properly understood. There is recognition that a crime has been committed, and this validates the survivor. But the sister who is partner-raped, is still confused, perplexed, thinks she might be crazy, and contemplates continuing to live with rape. (I'm not going to print the swears I uttered after typing this paragraph).

Why? Well, I do think a huge part of the reason is the lack of public naming, the social confusion of partner rape with "sex" and the validation partner-rape victims cannot find, even when they become unwell as a result.

I'm sick of the layers of ignorance, denial, lack of responsibility, enshrined notions of male privilege and entitlement, and cherished crap ideals about women's obligations, that sustain this state of affairs.

Society, wake the...hell up! NAME partner rape. Tell people what it looks like, in all it's guises. Get it out there. Acknowledge that it is a crime that no woman should ever have to go on enduring. Give my sisters - YOUR sisters - their deserved humanity; a humanity that should not be compromised by ideals that continue to endanger and enslave and damage them - sometimes for decades. Stop misnaming their symptoms - validate that these are a normal response to an abnormal situation. And name the damn CAUSE - RAPE - by somebody whom she has every right to expect better from, whose children she may have borne, and whom she may still love. Let her know it is okay - no, imperative - that she puts her safety first.

Why is that so hard to get?!!!!??

We blame women because they stay, as if they should automatically recognize what is happening to them, and the dangers. But it isn't just women who must recognize these things - social silence and denial that partner rape is real rape and that women have sexual rights in a relationship, fuel their entrapment. And oh, lest we forget, denial of these same things is what sees women attacked and blamed for NOT staying: A man has needs, you know, dear. You have a duty. Don't be selfish. You made vows before man and god. See a psychiatrist about your frigidity. See a doctor about those nerves. Aren't you lucky it wasn't a stranger. Get marriage counselling (so that you can be held responsible for the fact that you find sex with your rapist disgusting). What about the kids. Blah blah effing BLAH. What about HER? I told Sarah that it might just be time for SARAH to come first for a change. I do hope she is not as sadly bewildered by that concept as other women to whom I have made the same suggestion.

I must take this opportunity to acknowledge the others - writers, activists, professionals, and survivors - who are doing their best to have information about partner rape put out there. We need to keep going, Comrades. For the sake of the Sarahs. They are worth it; their humanity demands it.

The respect I was never supposed to know...survivorship, activism and thanks

2011-04-02T15:22:00.000+11:00

I decided to use my survival of partner rape to aid other women who have had similar experiences and who perhaps, like me, had also found that people blamed them, ridiculed them or minimized their experiences of intimate partner sexual violence.

This journey has spawned my website, Aphrodite Wounded, and my book Real Rape, Real Pain: Help for women sexually assaulted by male partners. I have had the privilege of conversing with many wonderful survivors, and made connections with lovely professionals also striving to address partner rape. I've spoken on the topic to various groups, and appeared in the media. My work is frequently cited in professional articles (quietly proud of this one: Addressing ‘The Ultimate Insult’: Responding To Women Experiencing Intimate Partner Sexual Violence) This activism has been intensely healing, one way or another.

It is no longer really about my twisted ex-partner either. I would confess that it used to be; there was a sense of needing to beat him; make myself better than him...no, that doesn't quite capture it - I wanted to feel better than the young woman he violated. I know without a doubt now, that I am, and always was, better than him, and that what he did doesn't make me anything less than who I am. What I do now is much more about helping to defeat the forces that are still hurting countless women - whether that is partner rape itself, or the ignorance that still surrounds it. Still, as will be seen further in this post, thoughts of him do return sometimes, and not always in a way that is bad.

When I first began to do what I do, I made sure I had meticulously studied the issue of partner rape. I think that if you are going to do the things with a history that I have done, this is a necessary adjunct to survivorship - my experiences alone provide only a limited view of the overall picture, and I wanted to go beyond. But it is also true that I was fearful and embarrassed about being seen as "just" a survivor. I always started articles off wondering how much of the survivor versus the professional should be revealed; I felt that "survivor-Louise" should be minimized in favour of Louise who has done her research; Louise with the book-expertise who can pull stats, who's written what and other partner-rape data out of her hat. I feared in my heart-of-hearts that the survivor could not accrue the same respect. And maybe a young rape and domestic violence victim within me - for victim she had been - felt that she was not quite worthy of respect. More on that soon.

A wonderful woman from a US state sexual assault coalition advised me some 3 years ago, never to underrate the value of my survivorship as a teaching tool. That really made a difference; I began to be a bit more relaxed and have actually found that survivor and professional can meld quite beautifully together.

With a view to another book, I have recently had a series of interactions with other professionals in many fields that bring them into encounters with partner rape. The enthusiasm and respect for my work, that I have encountered is most satisfying, not in a smug way, but in a way that feels as if it has moved me forward...it has made me reflect.

See, when my ex-partner raped me, he really wanted me to feel that I was beneath respect; not worth any respect from anybody. He certainly did not want me to have my own respect. One bad night, I remember him saying to me, "By the time I've finished with you, you're going to feel like the world's dirtiest slut." At the time of my relationship with him, I attended church sporadically. One night, he would not let me go to evening worship. I told him I just wanted to feel "clean." His response was to rape me and then ask, "How clean do you feel now, you fucking whore?" These experiences are just a couple of representatives of the respect he intended to take away from me - or the lack thereof he wanted to inculcate into me, the better to break me down and have greater control over me.

I have made great strides in terms of overturning those messages over the years. But at the time of this writing, the theme of respect of others for me, and of me for myself, just seems to have a finer point. I think it's really about a core sense of dignity.

He meant me never to feel respected. I took what he did, and made of it something that has brought me the respect of others and myself. There is somehow a delicious irony in that; a bright victory. Now, the silly bastard's efforts to take my dignity seem unbelievably pathetic. He earns, just at the moment, my most withering scorn - until he is rightly relegated to complete insignificance once again, and he will be :)

I will end this post with heartfelt thanks to the survivors, professionals and others who have shown me such respect. Many of you have thanked me for doing what I do, and I think it is my turn now. I know that in a perfect world, we should not need to look to others for the respect we have for ourselves. Regardless of such truisms, you have been the cement in my restored sense of dignity.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you. The young woman I was who dragged herself out of her bed of atrocity accompanied by her rapist's jeers and believing them, would never have thought it possible.

To my sisters in survival - if you do not know that the messages conveyed to you by rape are false and that you are so much more, believe me, Ladies, you will. Take my hand - we'll get there together.

Ponderous Ponderings....

2010-12-05T13:25:00.000+11:00

With respect to my last post, I've been thinking about how we have discussed - and acted upon - just about every type of sexual assault there is. College campuses have made great strides in terms of date-rape awareness; child sexual abuse has been well and truly out there for a good 15 years. Big money was poured into international seminars for ritual abuse.

Why is partner rape awareness such a Sisyphean task? (for those who don't know, Sisyphus was condemned to spend eternity rolling a boulder up a hill; it would roll down again and he'd have to start all over). I don't mean to sound negative, but it can feel a bit that way sometimes.

I also know that prison rape awareness has a long way to go. And that prompted me to wonder if prison rape and partner rape share a common thread of victim-blame, even amongst the enlightened?

I could be way off...but I do wonder. Just saying. And Sisyphean or not, every time a survivor tells me that she is glad to have what happened to her named and that she can begin to heal, this makes it worthwhile.

When Nobody Wants to Know...

2010-12-02T19:13:00.000+11:00

25 or so years ago, marital rape researcher Diana Russell wrote about the frustration she'd encountered when attempting to educate not only the general public, but also workers in the helping sector, about the topic of marital rape. Other writers on intimate partner sexual assault have experienced similar blocks. They'll tell you about free seminars offered and cancelled due to lack of interest, rape crisis workers making statements to the effect that the partner rapist is a "known entity" and therefore his crimes are not as serious as those of the stranger rapist; not dealing with survivors of marital rape because it was not yet a crime, refuges not admitting women because they were "only raped" and survivors of partner rape being asked not to speak about their experiences of rape in support groups. 1 The more recent studies of Melanie Heenan and Raquel Bergen indicate that there is still much room for improvement in terms of service provision to survivors of intimate partner sexual assault. 2 I have a repertoire of horror stories but I will spare you.

It has been my good fortune to witness change, and I'll provide a link below to organisations doing excellent work with partner rape. But I do think that perhaps I have become somewhat complacent about positive change, and if there is evidence of change, it is also evident that we have yet miles to go.

Recently, I gave a short talk to a group of professionals on what is important for them to know when intersecting with survivors of intimate partner sexual assault. I shall not name the date or location; it is not my intention to single anybody out. But I walked away saddened. The lack of interest was, at the time, quite chilling - for sheer ennui it did seem to be, if the facial expressions were any indicator. Of thirty people - not a general sector of the community - people in the therapeutic/helping professions, domestic violence workers and others, perhaps three displayed any real interest.

I'm going to make some assumptions about why this was so:

It was after a sumptuous lunch (and the sandwiches were plentiful and delicious!); people were full and drowsy
Bored workers had been told by their bosses to come but didn't really want to be there
Attendees were bored because they already know everything there is to know about partner rape and have nothing more to learn, thank you very much.
I and my talks are a snorefest (not that this is about my ego but I am not that bad a speaker and I expended considerable pains to make certain the talk was tight, salient and interesting)

Or could there be other reasons such as:

The same old befuddlement about ownership of this issue that we have encountered in the past
Already strained workers who can't possibly do any more with their limited resources
Discomfort with hearing the word "rape" frequently eviscerating the air; in the same vein discomfort with the sexual side of domestic violence
Triggered survivor workers
An unwillingness to hear that accepted ways of approaching domestic and sexual violence need some change if survivors of partner rape are not to keep falling through the cracks when help-seeking - or in other words, comfort-zone issues combined perhaps with a very human dislike of being challenged to lift one's game
Lethargy; change is too hard
A mixture of all the above and beyond

It's baffling, because this is not always the case; I have quite often met with warm interest and enthusiasm. Perhaps I am impatient. I would admit that part of my sadness stemmed from the fact that what I was seeing seemed to replicate the grey fog of silence I encountered as a young, traumatised survivor trying to find help for the unspeakable - and unspoken - things my partner had done. It saddens me - and I made this point to my audience - that we have been talking about rape and domestic violence for a few decades, yet I routinely get emails from women who have survived partner rape telling me they have felt so alone; they didn't know that there were any resources especially for them. Is it any wonder when still too few people - especially the right people - are talking about it?

And I was angry too - not at anybody in particular, just at the old "We don't want to hear about it" thing..I am talking about an issue which if picked up and acted upon, can save women's lives, to say nothing of their psyches. That is not melodrama, that is realistic. Aren't our clients who have experienced the indignity of rape by men whom they loved worth the focus on a form of abuse that hurts them so much - often worse, in some ways, than the other forms?

A couple of years ago, I was invited to give a talk to a local group of social workers. Two - count 'em - two people turned up. Talk cancelled, wine enjoyed instead. To be sure, it was a most inclement night, dark and pouring rain; hence two friends made the point that people were not likely to come out of comfortable, warm homes to hear about marital rape. Point taken, but, well...that for an attitude will get us a long way, won't it? Nothing changes if nothing changes.

I have to hope, indeed I believe there is reason to hope, that continuing to speak plants seeds. It is also a comfort to know I am not doing this alone - and I will take this opportunity to again thank those also striving with the issue of intimate partner sexual assault - a few of you can be seen on this page. You are stars.

References
1. Bergen, R, Wife Rape: Understanding the Response of Survivors and Service Providers, Sage Publications, California, 1996
Finkelhor, D.and Yllo, K., License to Rape: Sexual Abuse of Wives, The Free Press, New York 1985;
Russell, Diana E.H. Rape in Marriage MacMillan Publishing Company, USA 1990
2. Bergen, Raquel. "Still a Long Way to Go: Comparing Services to Survivors of Wife Rape in 1994 and 2004." Paper presented at the annual meeting of the American Society of Criminology, Royal York, Toronto, Nov 15, 2005 Not Available. 2010-12-01 http://www.allacademic.com/meta/p33135_index.html
Heenan, Melanie. ‘Just ‘keeping the peace’: A reluctance to respond to male partner sexual violence’ (2004) 1 Issues Australia Study for the Centre of Sexual Assault at http://www.aifs.gov.au/acssa/pubs/issue/i1.html

Women are Harmed by Men more often than the Reverse: Or What Nobody Likes You Saying

2009-04-15T17:05:00.000+10:00

My dear Reader, this will be something of a rant.

Having co-authored a book for women sexually abused by male partners, and running as I do a site for the same, I have been particularly galled over the years by accusations of “male-bashing” - apparently I imply that all men are rapists, and I blindly toe a feminist party-line that doesn’t admit of male victims and female perpetrators. It often occurs to me to ask why these people don’t spend this energy finding and making resources available for the population they believe I am discriminating against. And those accusing me of branding all men rapists might well get more sympathy if they were doing something about those men who are rapists. So much whining, so little action, eh?

I have been assured ad nauseam that men are routinely raped by female partners and that women are just as abusive just as violently just as often as men. But if we want to get into who's toeing party-lines, this one is a familiar one spruiked by angry and increasingly strident “men’s rights” groups. And it is, pardon my French, bullshit. Michael Flood explains why it’s bullshit so much more eloquently than I can; please see his article Claims about Husband Battering.

It is a fact that women are still overwhelmingly the victims of violence by men. Lundy Bancroft, author of the excellent book Why Does he Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, asks why it is “anti-male” to be against violence to women, and further asks if we are expected not to notice that most abusers are male 1. It certainly seems as if truth so evident has become impolite to state – even with more moderate groups and individuals who are afraid of offending men, or who don’t want to marginalize male abuse survivors. The angry men at large seem to become dyslexic when anybody – particularly women – opens their mouths about male violence: “Most rapists are men” is read as “Most men are rapists” – a statement patently absurd but with which they fuel their misogyny and paranoia about misandry. Actually, projection – or accusing somebody of thinking the way you do yourself, is worryingly close to the tactics of the spouse abuser, as are some of their other bully-boy tactics – check out another Flood article: Backlash: Angry Men's Movements They also don't tell us that men most often incur violence from other men.

That there are men abused by women is undeniable. I have seen men used, betrayed and hurt badly by some completely amoral, cruel women, and when it comes to assisting anybody who is abused, one does not stop to quibble about which gender is more abused more often; one hopefully gets on with being helpful and supportive in practical and emotional ways. With respect to the “Men’s Rights” groups, I am not sure how it helps battered men to pretend that they are abused on an equal par with women. Raising the issue of abused men is important for anybody interested in combatting violence, but it must not be at the expense of abused women.

Indeed, these groups seem to be concerned with taking away the gains made by battered women. One popular tactic is promoting the myth that women “frequently” lie about battery or sexual assault in order to win custody cases (please see this article: The myth of women’s false accusations of domestic violence and misuse of protection orders – Michael Flood). While these groups accuse women of lying, it appears that their own relationship with truth is a bit tenuous; as we've seen in the articles above, they are certainly fond of quoting – and misquoting - flawed research (Murray Straus is their God and they'll offer up 100 more studies as "proof" of "gender symmetry" - please note: The studies rarely or never mention sexual assault). What other tarradiddles are they telling us? Remember that they assure us time and again that there are just as many abused men as women, and that we don’t see them because they’re too ashamed to tell. Apparently they run into their thousands or tens of thousands depending on whom you read. It strikes me as odd that these groups "know" that these silent legions of battered men exist! If the silence is so profound, how do they know?

At the time of writing Why does He Do that? Lundy Bancroft had accrued fifteen years’ experience of working with male abusers of every stripe. He points out that while there are abusive women and the impact on men can be profound, what we don’t see is the men being forced into sex with their partners, fleeing to refuges for their lives or having their careers or schooling scuppered by partner abuse. We don't see them because they’re rare, not because there are millions of them cowering in shamed silence. Bancroft further writes: “I don’t question how embarrassing it would be for a man to come forward and admit that a woman is abusing him. But don’t underestimate how humiliated a woman feels when she reveals abuse; women crave dignity just as much as men do. If shame stopped people from coming forward, no-one would tell.” And: “Abusive men commonly like to play the role of victim, and most men who claim to be “battered men” are actually the perpetrators of violence, not the victims (italics mine).”2 Indeed, some of the of the men's rights websites contain testimonies by "battered" men (who are certainly neither silent nor, it seems, particularly embarrassed), and at least some of these stories are notable for their resentful stridency around women and the battered women's movement (Menweb, for starters). While I don't like to cast doubt at any survivor, the rat here begins to smell most pungently.

I am responsible for writing the initial article on spousal rape for Wikipedia. It bears very little resemblance to what I initially posted and I am happy to say that, because what it has become is embarrassing. Most irritating, somebody keeps altering the research quotes to make it say that the research was conducted with men as well as women, and that percentages of spousal rapes found include, equally, male victims and female perpetrators. This idiot evidently believes that any research around women, rape, and male perpetrators, is the product of those horrible male-bashing feminists who would like to see every man strung up, every violent woman exonerated and every male victim silenced. He or she so badly wants to push the “men’s rights” malarkey that they think it’s okay to alter and misquote other people's research findings. But why am I shocked? They have done far worse in their quest for what they call justice; read, for example, how they encourage more violence to women even as they want us to believe there is less: The politics of fathers' rights activists : The hate speech and extremism of fathers' rights groups by MC Dunn. Neither are male activists safe: Pro-feminist Walter De Keseredy and his colleagues have received threats from those groups who don't want it to be known that that "gender symmetry" in domestic violence is agenda-driven - and deliberate - misinformation. 3

It is a fact that it is who women are overwhelmingly raped, beaten and murdered by their male partners or ex-partners – and the statistics on homicide against spouses are not hard to check (go here for American statistics alone) - than the other way around. It is also a fact that women live with fear of men’s violence to a far greater extent than vice-versa (see this article: A Woman's Worst Nightmare: An essay exploring why women are afraid of men by Mary Dickson). It was said, I forget by whom, that men, at heart, are afraid women will laugh at them while women, at heart, are afraid men will kill them. So much for the Farrell-esque whining and mutual commiseration in these groups that it’s really women who have all the power. They can keep saying it but it won’t make it true.

I love men (I had three little ones) and have invested time in assisting abused men to healing. An abused man is as important as an abused woman; his pain and his right to be heard, as valid. I would hope not to have implied otherwise. I have also been on the receiving end of female violence - I left home to live in a refuge at 17 after a lifetime of abuse and beatings by my mother, so I know that women can be vicious, and I am aware that some feminists are uncomfortable with this. My everlasting respect belongs also to those men who are not afraid to align themselves with the cause of abused women, and with the courage to state that while most men do not rape or beat women, most men do control women one way or another; these are men prepared to give up the benefits of maintaining the status quo. Most important, the love of my husband of 22 years has aided my healing immeasurably.

None of this, however, woollies my mind to the fact that violence against women by men is still the most prevalent form of violence in the world.

While my axe to grind is not with men as men, it certainly is to grind with those men and their fawning female puppets (Sue Price, anyone?) in whose interest it is to ridicule women’s advocates with silly names like “feminazi” (it's spelled "f-e-m-i-n-i-s-t"), to howl us down every time we point out the obvious, tie shelters (that women fought tooth and nail for) up in litigation, conduct smear and harassment campaigns against battered mothers, and call survivors liars. They can also thank themselves that custody has been awarded to some abusive fathers. They say they’re fed up with hearing “feminist diatribe” about male violence – as if the violence experienced by women is less offensive than polluting their ears about it. Or, to be more cynical, threatening their interests. I am fed up with being expected to be apologetic for tackling male violence against women, as if doing so is a pointless exercise in man-hating. Too many believe that man-hatred is what defines a feminist - or they prefer to believe this because it means they need not listen to what is being said.

Feminism has helped me become who I am. Feminism, through which I learned not about hating, but about having the right not to be treated like crap by men, who began sexually abusing me when I was four, up to twenty when I almost lost my life to a battering partner who did in fact become a convicted murderer.

Oh and did I mention that we are apparently supposed to be "post-feminist"? That those of us who bang on about rape and domestic violence against women are sad relics? When my sisters are no longer being raped, beaten and killed because they've hooked up with men who presume the right to control and own them because they're women, then I will stop saying "Post-feminist my ass."

So, no apology, no politically-correct dilution of the issues, and no shamefaced renunciation of feminism from this woman. Nope, I think I will continue doing just what I'm doing.

Further Reading:
What’s wrong with saying that things happen to men, too?

Sources:
1. Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That: Inside the minds of angry and controlling men, The Berkeley Publishing Group, New York, 2003, p. 289
2. Lundy Bancroft, 2003 p. 45-6
3. WALTER S. DeKESEREDY, "Tactics of the Antifeminist Backlash Against Canadian National Woman Abuse Surveys", Violence Against Women, Nov 1999; 5: 1258 - 1276.

Sheikh Abu Hamza on marital rape

2009-03-25T16:28:00.000+11:00

For those of you who have not heard about the recent fracas that erupded down under, this article will make galling reading. Obviously, it's disgraceful that a top cleric is promoting sexual assault.

Nevertheless, the focus on such views being a muslim issue is worrying. It is a soapbox for every racist who couldn't otherwise give a rat's about marital rape to climb on, and certain politicians and publications are gleefully capitalizing on that.

What nobody is saying is that many people, clerics, judges and otherwise from ALL walks of life see nothing wrong with marital rape. These views are not the province of a certain ethnicity, but are unfortunately entrenched everywhere.

Partner Rape, secrecy and "changing your mind afterwards"

2009-03-25T15:34:00.000+11:00

Many women and girls remain silent about sexual assault in past relationships. There are many reasons for this. Often they are ashamed, under threat, or, because of myths which state that the only real rape is stranger rape, they feel that they can't call it rape.

Even when they become aware at some levels that what happened was rape, they may feel embarrassed about coming out perhaps a long time after the fact and saying that an ex-partner raped them. Social responses cast a very jaundiced view upon women who "change their minds" afterwards and belatedly "cry rape." Often, the target of invective is feminists who allegedly "encourage" women to label non-rape experiences as rape. Women comment that they ""feel like liars" in calling partner rape by its name. But this is not because they are liars - the truth has been stifled under fear, trauma, and whatever they may have internalized about what is real rape.

For many survivors of partner rape, it is essential that they "change their minds" in order to heal. No matter how many times they went back, no matter how long they kept it secret or why, it still happened. If you have had the weight of social myth stacked against you so that you were confused about whether you can call a rape a rape or not, and you have now decided to give what happened its name, that is a step towards victory.